Emotional chord from NIU shootings

The shootings at Northern Illinois University recently have rattled me. I went
to school there and feel that personal connection. I feel deep sorrow for the victims,
and have empathy for the shooter as well. When I found out he had psychological problems and had stopped taking his medication because it made him feel like a zombie, my stomach twisted into knots. My own father had battled bipolar disorder much of his life and would often stop taking his lithium medicine because he didn't like how it seemed to throw him into the depths of despair. He would lay around all day, listless and full of apathy. When he wasn't taking his medicine, he seemed full of life, the world was his and sleep was not even a possibility. So I look at this shooter and I read about him and see pictures of him as a young boy and hear his teachers reflect on his bright mind and "gentle" manner and I ponder. My mind asks questions. Were these shootings premeditated? Did he sit in his hotel room in DeKalb on Monday and know he would kill on Thursday? Or was he really going to his Godfather's to chat and catch up on old times? The hard drive out of his laptop is gone, so those thoughts he may have written on the computer provide no clue. But yet bits and pieces of his slide down out of the depths of reality emerge. His mom died 18 months ago, last year he had transferred from NIU to UIC Champaign because......criminology classes had been downsized in his chosen career, he failed several classes as well at NIU (this from a 4.0 very bright student), we believe his girlfriend had broken up with him recently and he had gotten some rather "dark and ominous" tattoos on his arms. Certainly it appears he had been under some stressful circumstances and his behavior clearly deviated from his normal life. I find it ironic that he was all for the criminal justice system and wanted to continue to study this particular field and yet he left this world a "criminal" himself in a sense. And going back to the medication. When one abruptly stops taking medication for a psychological problem, the body and emotional system can be thrown out of whack, enough to drive one to do the most irrational behaviors. His girlfriend said Steve was getting a little irritated lately, but nothing erratic as the press was saying. I know, though, that sometimes we downplay a loved ones behavior, perhaps deny it, in order to cope with and continue living with that person. I continue to devour all the news, (perhaps to an obsessive level) every detail about these shootings and the shooter. I feel anguish that it happened and yet, perhaps, I will get some clues about my own father and his mental illness. I always wanted to save my father from his mental illness so I went into psychology career hoping to find magic cure. But I never found it. Instead, I learned about myself and began to have more compassion for me. And now I can say my heart has compassion for Steve, my father, and any others who struggle with mental problems. Thankfully, my father never hurt anyone during his lifetime. He seemed to have angels protecting him in that way.
I wonder where Steve's angel was on Thursday. In a classroom of students that day, I'm sure he felt all alone. I wish he had gone to see his Godfather and not taken the wrong turn to Northern Illinois. Maybe he just needed someone to talk to. Unfortunately, those inner demons got the best of him.
I pray for the families of the shooting victims. I pray for those who are mentally ill. I pray for myself!
Bev